False Self Relationships Psychotherapy

False Self Relationships Psychotherapy

False Self Relationships Psychotherapy 5077 2535 Paterakis Michalis
Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Psychology and how to be well

False Self Relationships Psychotherapy : Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, phobias, obsessions, compulsions, hysteria, psychoses, personality disorders, anorexia nervosa. What is all this? Where do they come from? We hear them every day. Shows on TV, lectures, conferences, ways of coping. How can a man be balanced, enjoy his life with a partner and raise his children properly?


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The fear of feelings

All of the above are manifestations of the psyche and show that something is wrong. In any case, it is also something different. Anxiety is a danger signal and hides conflicts between desires and prohibitions. But this happens on an unconscious level. Depression is unconscious anger towards the mother in the first year of life that turns against the self, becomes self-destructive and the person falls into prolonged melancholy. The panic attack comes from an infantile feeling of fear of annihilation, that one will cease to exist. He feels this strongly and it is as if at that moment he is living on the verge of death. Phobias are symptoms which hide some inner unconscious conflict and have been transferred to something else. For example, one is afraid of spiders when in fact the spider is a symbol for one’s mother. You make it so that it is not recognized, you shift it to something else. This is how you nicely avoid having to deal with the emotional burden that concerns the relationship with your mother and that usually has to do with some kind of injury. Obsessions are essentially phobias that become fixed. One is hooked from there like a branch of salvation. He goes around and around there so he avoids seeing what he really feels underneath. As we see all disorders come from trying to hide our feelings under the rug. Hystericality is a way to take the other’s power, to subjugate him. This is done with seduction mainly. But hysterics don’t want a real relationship.

They don’t really care to relate. They just want to get attention. To have an audience that admires them. So their relationships have no depth. They are superficial and do not create intimacy. There, of course, something happens that prevents them from getting closer, and this takes on a torturous dimension in them, which is, however, hidden by a well-made mask. Psychoses are disorders that are created very early in infant life and have to do with problems created in the relationship with the mother figure but to a disorganizing degree. There the good contact with reality is lost, the self-image is not comprehensive, it is not clear, it presents gaps. Personality disorders are essentially self-presenting problems that are organized into a set of characteristics to present as borderline organizations, narcissistic self-organizations, passive-aggressive behavior, etc. Anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are nothing but eating disorders that have such tension that they may seem life-threatening even. They come from issues that are presented again in childhood and are related to feelings of anger at the lack of real care or are about feelings about something that cannot be mourned.

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The uniqueness of experiences

The states of human psychological construction and expression are endless. We know the disorders and where they come from, but each person is a special phenomenon that we study individually because the conditions, events, experiences and processes in which someone lived are always different but also each person perceives things differently. However, we see that we can help. But how is this help done? How is it provided? How does it work; It is a treatment that we call psychotherapy meaning that it is about our soul and that means that it is essentially about our life. Our life starts from childhood. Which is not immediately childlike but infantile.

The Self in Infancy

What does this mean; Infancy has the characteristic that the self is not yet formed. In reality there is no self, and such a concept of self exists only in relation to the mother. Self at that time is the cares, the non-cares, the presence, the absence, the breast, the body temperature of the caregiver, the sounds, the caress, and the holding. These are the self. And because the figure who takes care of the child has these, her psychological state is of great importance. This means that support is needed and the partner’s role there is important. When the partner is truly present in this process, the mother figure is free to give freely and safely into her role. When they are not, things are difficult. So it is not mainly how the mother is on her own but what support she will have.

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The Cure Therapy

Therapists actually hold. This is by no means an easy process. It is not just knowledge, nor just experience that is needed. The self is of particular importance. If you have worked on yourself. This is the one that is very important. Second is that you may have worked but not have the means to keep the other. That’s where it comes in if your therapist goes. A more depressed person wants someone who can handle their anger while a more paranoid person wants someone who can feel and understand their fear. Therapists get special training so they can understand what’s going on, but that’s never enough.

Psychotherapy, contrary to popular belief, is a relationship in which the patient lives his life from the beginning. And he relives all the important issues of his life. The public wants to believe that psychotherapy is a medical-type operation where a few tips and a pat on the back solves everything. This is a defense we all use when we don’t want to face reality. It’s called rationalization. But healing is holding you while you cry, while you mourn, while you remember, while you hate and want to kill, while you crumble.

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The therapeutic relationship

I’m holding you steady and you can live through all of this. It’s not do this and you’ll be fine. It’s not a pill. It’s a relationship. A relationship that doesn’t look like the others and that aims to relive yourself but this time with corrections. Giving some warmth when the other person needs it and not because I need it may sound simple but if we had each experienced it when we needed it we wouldn’t be hurt or so troubled. Relations between people would be better. Aggression would be quieter, softer. Now people are getting killed. Rudeness and meanness abound. That’s the difference between trying to take care of you and taking care of myself. If I try to understand myself, then I try to understand you. So I have no reason to think you don’t understand me.

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The False Self

Until these become consciousness in the world, on the planet, everyone should make an effort. But you can’t do it alone. The other is important in life. Life is not a goldfish bowl. But the fear of the feelings that we hid well inside us is very great. One has to dig inside but first one has to want to dig. In the parts of the world where psychotherapy is thought to be for the insane, what do people do? They have suppressed their true feelings so much that they call others crazy. As a result, families and societies perpetuate the problem of the false self. The false self is the shield against real feelings. One is so afraid that one makes a cloak, an armor, that nothing will get through. So you can’t relate. You create more fake people and they pass the germ to the next generations.

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So how can we be psychologically well?

Life is a constant repetition. Repetition of trauma. Repetition of feelings. If you were lucky enough to live with somewhat mature parents and the first year of life was relatively smooth, you won’t have any particular problems. If something went wrong then self-esteem is hurt, narcissism is threatened. There to fill the void you start and think you can control everything. Nobody can do that. These are leftovers from the omnipotence we had with mom as infants. When we were one with her.

In other words, you cannot see the other separately. So you think you are all-powerful when in reality you are bereft. The problem continues because the choices one makes are bad. Instead of looking for someone who can love him, he finds someone who he thinks can give him love. But what one thinks is one thing and what the other person really is is another. If on the other hand you find someone who loves you, it won’t last long because the deprived person thinks they are owed, so the other person will be tortured. So the only way left is to cure the deprivation and slowly come out of your narcissism.

Real therapy, which helps you live your life more happily, is the therapy based on the therapeutic relationship, where you look to see how you feel, where you experience the feeling little by little, whatever it is, and begin to open your eyes in the world. In the real world and not in your inner world. By the time the treatment is over you should have begun to understand that the inner and outer worlds are two things that work together but are separate. If you don’t see this, then you get angry with your friend, co-worker, family, generally blame others while you are the one who feels the feelings you feel. Others are not to blame for our difficulties. But when the child’s life is completely unconscious, when you don’t know it, then it comes out everywhere, in every relationship. So if there is one hope to live better and not pass this on to our children, it is for us to change. Not the others.

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See also: Abandonment and its emotional impact

The process of psychotherapy requires commitment, dedication and is addressed only to those who seriously see that they need to change their lives. If you are thinking of starting this journey, call me at 211 71 51 801 to make an appointment and see together how I can help you

Mixalis Paterakis

Psychologist Psychotherapist
University of Indianapolis University of Middlesex
Karneadou 37, Kolonaki
I accept by appointment
Τηλ: 211 7151 801



    Πατεράκης Μιχάλης
    Ψυχολόγος Αθήνα


      Psychologist Athens